Goat's Gold
By MITCHELL HARGREAVES
Readers should be aware that this story is NOT SUITABLE for any decent human being. Carry on, then.
One morning, a young boy awoke to his mother’s voice calling his name. Arising, he ran to a plump woman who was pouring milk on his cereal. Upon chewing, he bit into a gold coin. Upon further chewing, he realized that six gold coins had embedded themselves in his breakfast.
A stern voice spoke down to him. “Now Kid, ‘chu knows whatch’re gonna’ do wid all ‘at?”
“Shimmy, Mami. We ain’t finded none money in me’s cereal for since never,” replied the boy.
Mami roughed up the boy’s dark hair. “Init’ ‘at roight, me boy. Yews gonna’ acquiesce yerself a sheep, sose we can sheer ‘er and make sweet mittens for the meadow mice.”
“I’ll not let’cha down.”
Kid set off down the road with his eyes straight as headlights and his heart pumping like a crankshaft. Along the way, Kid came upon an old man with streams of hair pouring from his nostrils. A white, peppered beard and white, empty eyes prettied the face of Old Man. Beside Old Man stood a goat with a fat, pulsating udder. The goat licked Kid’s naked foot.
“Now, listen here, kid,” started Old Man. “You like my goat, I see. I’m selling Goat for a reasonable fee. For six gold pieces, she’s yours.”
Now Kid was weary of scraggly old men, and Old Man was no exception. But Old Man had foresight. “Just to prove she’s really worth it, I’ll let you in on a secret.”
The boy’s ears perked up when he heard these words, for he loved secrets. “Do tell mey, sar, what yer keepin’ from mey.”
“This goat, you see,” continued Old Man, his beard wiggling in tandem with his words, “is a beast of magic. Its milk promises you strong bones and a hairy back…”
Excited by the proposition of a hairy back, Kid took Goat home and milked her. He squeezed each teat in turn, but produced only a pitiful dribble from the fleshy tap. Desperate, he licked his lips, grabbed the tits, and sucked deeply for the nectar. An acrid liquid flooded his mouth; his tongue hopelessly tried to evade the choking taste. His mouth paralyzed, the milked oozed from his lips and dripped onto the ground. Grass combusted where the elixir spilled.
Though fortune had denied him a hairy back, his megrims were short lived. Kid was determined that his goat would not be a wasteful investment. His golden heart was soft for the less fortunate of the world, and he knew of those who were calcium-deficient. Kid promised himself that the destitute would all grow strong bones and hairy backs because of his efforts.
With Goat shuffling behind him, Kid ventured along The Road in search of thirsty ragamuffins. Soon, they came upon one such ragamuffin, his eyes crumpled and his lips rolled back.
“Milk! Milk!” he entreated the boy.
“Drink yer bones strong, friend,” said Kid as he offered a teat to Dirty Man.
A gaping mouth leapt at the exposed goat, squeezing itself around the bubbling skin. Kid watched in fascination as Dirty Man suckled on Goat.
“Bless you, child,” gasped Dirty Man. The udder shuddered as it emptied into the feeding hobo. Without warning, Dirty Man stopped sucking as a groaning sound emanated from his stomach.
Horrifically, the bones of Dirty Man began to snap as he emptied his stomach on the soil beneath him. As his knees buckled, Dirty Man watched the inside of his stomach pour from his mouth. Quietly, Kid led Goat away from the motionless man.
Under the scowl of Mami, even the strongest bones would crumble. As Kid and Goat approached Mami, a generous slap greeted them both.
“Oi, Mami! Whay’d I deserve ‘at?” cried Kid as he cuddled the fleecy Goat.
“Don’cha knows why? It’s ‘cuz yer a klutz, Kid,” she pronounced while grabbing the goat. “Iyes asked fir a sheep,” she said as she shook Goat, “but yews gits a gluttonous goat! What’s we gonna’ do wit a goat? Goad it?” She poked Goat.
Kid bit his lip. “Mami! Don’t ‘urt Goat. It’s mah fault she’s ‘ere.” Rubbing his face in Goat he added, “I’ll make amends. Thems mice ‘ill gits their mittens, no doubt about it.”
Leaving Mami, Kid set a crate atop a wagon and coaxed Goat into it. Looking into his black, beady eyes, Kid whispered, “Goat, you’ll always be in mah heart. But I’ve broked mah Mami’s, and now Iyes gots to fix it.” The glow of the setting sun made Goat’s coat seem angelic.
“Sorry, Goat.”
The following day, Kid and Goat arrived in The City market. Taking Goat’s crate from the wagon, he heard a plaintive bleating coming from the box. Opening the crate, Kid looked in terror at Goat. Actually, more specifically, he looked at Goat’s terrible udder.
As though fingers of a rubber glove expanded past its limit, Goat’s teats bulged under some enormous pressure inside. The udder trembled as Goat whined in pain. A deep resonance gurgled from Goat’s stomach. Suddenly, one teat erupted, spewing bloodied milk on the walls of the box.
Kid slammed the lid atop the box just as another popping sound came from the goat. A guttural churning chorus ensued, accompanied by interludes of splattering flesh.
Moments later, the composition disbanded.
The sun was just setting when Kid met Mami on the porch. Her demeanor from the last encounter persisted.
A glower met Kid’s glowing face. “Did’ja git the sheep? Or did’ja jumble it up again?”
Kid continued to smile. “Shimmy, Mami. Iyes done beter. Iyes gots some coins.” He produced a pouch of coins from his pocket. “’Ders a hundred gold pieces in ‘dis bag.”
Mami grabbed the purse and scrutinized the money. Her attention came back to Kid. “Don’t believe it. Whered ‘ja git it? ‘At goat wasn’t worth this.”
Kid beamed. “I ‘ad a contest fir Goat. Fir one gold piece, you mightn’ a won ‘er.”
“So who got ‘er?”
Kid took the money into his hand. “Nobody, ‘cause Goat exploded,” Kid laughed. “I just gave the fella’ who won ‘is gold piece back. I kept a fat pouch of coins.”
Posted 11 OCT 04 in Fantastic Fiction
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