Cows Are Good
From the desks of Mitch, Jen, & Rob
Special note to the easily offended: Beware. This story is satirical in nature and does not purport to express any prejudice towards our vegan friends.
My bovine breeding brothers! Let us rejoice, for the year if the cow is upon us. As the tenders of these godly creatures, we must ensure their smiles in our pastures and their savoury on our plates.
Let the cynics wallow in their tofu, let the vegans straggle about their sunflowers; for we have the muscle—we have the might!
Gentle-hearted ranchers, hear my plea. The zealots of the zucchinis, the allies of the asparagus, the screamers of the salad—they would have our cows, not eaten, but set free.
What fools!
Our simple friends would surely die if left on their own. Our children, our cows, are born with a purpose and they will die with a purpose. The brand receives them into cow-hood. The whine of the saw is an angel’s serenade.
The vegans want a meatless cow. They would make cows of beans and lentils. Would the world grow strong on beans and lentils? The world would crumple at the hands of beans and lentils! Beans and lentils have no spines.
Preachers of the pork! Did Caesar conquer empires with carrots? No! Did the Greek army invade Troy with a radish? Never! They used a horse! And a horse is nearer to a cow than a radish. A radish would have failed miserably.
Crusaders of the cow! We must not become angry at the inferior veggies. Because they do not eat cow, their minds have become soft. Their words are spoken stupidly; their actions, asinine.
We will feed the world and we will dance on their stringy bodies of the unbelievers.
Celebrate with me!
Posted 10 NOV 04 in Fantastic Fiction
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